Wednesday, September 11, 2013


I love walking into my living room. As I sit here looking around I see how life works. In the beginning it was just a thought that I wanted to change. I wanted a life that was mine. I looked around and saw pieces left over from the lives of others. While yes it is nice to have something to remind you of loved ones, that does not mean you must be ‘in their life’ to do that. The memories of them are in my soul, there is no need for the trappings of things. If it does not serve you let it go.

I then began thinking who is Me? What does Me like? What inspires Me?

So having a friend introduce me to Pinterest, I set out pinning and planning what that would look like to me. But that was just starting out. A plan of action is not action but is goal setting a very important step.
I did go and get paint samples and agonized over which to pick asking others what they thought. In the end I went with what spoke to me. 

My planning did not make it materialize but was a blueprint to start from. Then one day (although some details were happening I just wasn't viewing it as such, subtle background work.) I decided to get up and move those book shelves and then 

BOOM BOOM BOOM. Things started happening.

I began searching thru garage sale sites and …
BOOM, Hubby said you need a new desk and the perfect desk appeared.
BOOM (it felt like it) Hubby was right there cheering me on and 
BOOM I went and got paint and put it on the wall and
BOOM tables appeared
I made a final decision to go ahead and purchase the Dream Curtains and 
BOOM suddenly they had a sale code that gave me 25% off (meaning a free panel) and free shipping.
The coming together of this project (still in progress) has been a wonderful ride on


I sit in this room and have a perfect example of how life works.

*Set a goal
*Start moving in that direction. 

Hoping, praying and dreaming all have their place, goal setting. The real magic begins when you start moving in that direction, adding action.

This works for everything not just living rooms.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

An Adventure

 WOW, Haven't written anything for quite a long time now. So much has happened.

At the end of June I acquired a cold. We were changing truck companies and staying in a motel room (supposed to be smoke free) that reeked of cigarettes. OK that did not help any with the cold or my allergies. Spent a week there then moved into our NEW truck. Yes, NEW! Meaning fresh carpet, fresh glue, ya know that deadly new car smell. Then a few weeks later we got a KITTY, yes I know I am allergic to kitties but I wanted one so bad. We had lots of room in the new truck for all the kitty accessories.

Now, did I still have a cold or now was it just allergies to the new chemical soup I was living in? Husband bought a air freshener to cover his smoking smells. Yes more of something I KNOW I am allergic to.  I am then taking all kinds of OTC meds for colds, flu, asthma. Wishing I had a health food store to stop at.

Oh yes, I also had to learn to dispatch our own loads. It was very stressful and I was scared I would not be able to keep it up. So now add tremendous stress to the soup.

On August 17th, All HELL broke loose.

We were in New Jersey and told my husband I needed an ambulance and then they came and took me to the emergency room.
The paramedics gave me some kind of shot to help me breathe, it did not work, things got worse.
 Then once at the hospital...
Where nothing they tried worked so they tried putting me on a cpak machine and I passed out when I came to about 2 minutes later they said they were going to put me on a ventilator I said OK as long as I didn't feel it (haha). They put me on the ventilator and was having difficulty keeping me sedated.
Then my heart stopped for the first time.
It took them 8 minutes to revive me then 4 minutes later my heart stopped again it took them another 8 minutes to revive me and then 4 minutes my heart stopped again this time it only took 4 minutes to revived me and I stayed this time.
Next 8 days on life support.
At the first couple days the neurologist was worried about brain damage but after two days I started responding to commands and my eyes began to react to light. 
The lung specialist found that I had water on my lungs and the kidney doctor found that my kidneys had shut down but were coming back to slowly. To get the water out of my lungs so I could get off the breathing machine. They did a total 3 dialysis treatments which helped get my kidneys going and helped get my lungs clear so the ventilator could be removed.
I did have swelling around one ankle before going in but after all the reviving and treatments they did I blew up so much my husband said if I swelled anymore my skin looked like it would explode.
The heart doctor was extremely worried about my heart because of 2 ultrasound done during the first week showed an injection fraction of 10%. They were discussing whether I would need a heart transplant, But an ultrasound a couple days before my discharge showed an improvement to 35%.
My body started kicking in and the doctors and nurses were well amazed at my progress and started calling me "The Miracle".
After my discharge on Sept 1, the doctors wanted me to relax a couple days in the hotel before starting the long trip home and to take it easy getting home. So I did that . Well, being that we were so close we did take one more trip so I could see the Ocean again before heading home. The meds they had me on made me feel very 'stoned'. 
We picked up the kitty from the kitty hotel and headed back via rental car. Nice two day drive.
The hospital gave me all the tests and reports and exam’s and ultrasounds on 3 Cds. They said it is very important see a doctor within a week because my heart, lungs and kidneys are still weak and so that the medications that I am on can be regulated properly. I am on a water pill and very afraid of getting to dehydrated it is showing in my face very much already.  My "NEW" doctor of course LOST my records and did not do much for me other then prescriptions. So I ended up back in the hospital for Pancreatitis because I was left on the water pill to long. The doctors there ran many tests and took me off all meds other than for my asthma. 
Heart Doctor said he could find nothing to treat. Heart in normal range.
So here I am once again trying to slowly get myself back off the asthma meds.
I really have no memories of what was going on up until the day before they took me off the ventilator, Or even the events of the day I asked for the ambulance. So Hubby had to tell me all about it. 
My brother and two daughters flew out to New Jersey to be with me. I was under sedation while they were there but they said I would squeeze their hands so on some level I did know they were there with me.
That and I woke up with stuff animals: A Tiger that I had just bought my grandson when I was home. Miss Moustard that was in my bedroom at home and Hammy from the truck.
Also had a visit from one of my Facebook friends that lived in Maryland. On the day I was leaving the hospital she brought me a Huge care package of goodies! She is so precious!
Quite an adventure, and I thought I would just go in get some breathing treatments and steroids like the usual ER visit and be sent on my way...
Life sure has a way of shaking things up!

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Looking Behind the Anger

Dear Soul,

I have been very angry the past few days. I have been sitting here trying to figure out just what the underlying problem is.

Start with the current scandal that has my attention.

 I was not angry at Mr. Cathy for going public and calling out the Gay community. Yes I believe he did, he said the world was twisted then brought up marriage knowing what a can a worms that would be after all it is a hot topic right now. He was playing it and He has earned handsomely from it.

I was not angry at the Gay community for responding. The response was expected.

I became angry when the army of Christians verbally started abusing the Gay community.

This tells me I still have issues to deal with from being brought up in churches that scared me terribly and the nightmares it brought and mixed in with that is what I learned in school.  Being young I could see the wrong but could not make sense of why it was wrong.

I was taught that all sins are equal and any one of them can land you in Hell. I see that may be a belief I have that causes me to jump into conversations (thinking they need an ally) where I see people doing things I was told were sins, condemning other people for their supposed sin.  As if their sin was not as bad as the other person.

I was taught that God was ‘Perfect’. Yet he often displayed characteristics that I would get a spanking for, showing me his imperfections.

I was taught that unconditional love had conditions. Yes that is one to keep me spinning.

Everything he did was perfect. Yet he failed at making us and so for our imperfection he blames us instead of his faultiness, this was a real big one that just never set well.

I have been led to believe we are inferior and our thoughts are sinful, our bodies are frail.

I often viewed God and Satan sitting down by a fire, best friends playing chess and we were the game pieces. I would view God throwing a sore loser tantrum every time Satan would take one of his pieces and God then grabbing it and throwing it into the fire, punishing the game piece for his imperfections.

I remember being nine or ten and repeatedly standing on the edge of cliffs trying to determine my chances of accidentally surviving the jump. Life was horrid hell and I wanted out. From church I believed God to be horrid and life in a fire that Satan kept watch on was as well. I soon talked myself out of suicide because I saw there was no relief to be found in death.  Damned if you do and Damned if you don’t. If I went to hell I would burn forever. If I went to heaven because I was still a child I would have to go along with horrible things and if I was found out not to believe in such evils I would be sent to hell. Ah the Baptist life. I decided that although life was awful I could find places to hide and get some rest. The alternatives were not so kind. So I chose Life.

Thankfully science has stepped up and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt to me that our bodies are indeed most fascinating and powerful. Our thoughts create our world. That God is everything and there is no devil. Just our own judgments and punishments we inflict on ourselves.

I have learned that I am inferior to no one and no one is inferior to me. We are equal. The Life paths of one are none of the business of any other, other than to have a mirror for their own lessons.

The waking up process is challenging. If forces oneself to look and question their beliefs and where they came from. And Yes I see Hate is learned. I have looked back at prejudices I held in the past and looked to see if that was something I believed to really be true and where did I get such Ideas. I see I picked them up from parents, siblings, friends, teachers, church basically anyone I looked to trying to understand life and my place in it.

I have spent most of my life trying to please others regardless of what I really thought and each time they would turn on me. So lesson here is to be true to me. Not to the status quo.


As a young child my older siblings loved to teach me to read and spell. I could read the newspaper at the age of 4. No real big feat this was the games I was taught to play, games that I would find out are not accepted everywhere. My sister would play records over and over again at bedtime teaching me the lyrics to songs then when dad would come home from work we would go into the kitchen and I would sing the song word perfect, teaching me memory skills.  They had great fun teaching me BIG words, like encyclopedia and others. It just tickled them pink to hear me say and spell them back. It was fun I had lots of attention but then they were much older than me and soon as they became teenagers my cuteness was not as interesting as this new age they were coming in. and that is a right thing.

And then I was left on my own.

Jump to grade school did very well lots of S’s on my report card, then I have to switch schools, my new teacher did not like my big words and I was punished for things I knew or was interested in. (my interests were sinful) and wouldn’t you know going from 3rd to 4th grade she was once more my teacher.  I conformed and Grades started to decline.

Jump to high school new town. I did well in classes I was interested in and If I wasn’t well whatever to get thru. Going through different schools with different ways and I quickly learned that they really contradict each other so therefore couldn’t be that important to my life. And well yes I hardly have a need for quite a bit I learned in school. I then came face to face with the consular that made it clear that I could never be anything I was interested in because I was not very bright and I would never be able to learn and understand all those BIG words. Now I am sure that may have made some people get all indignant and set off in life to prove them wrong. But for me I saw no point in trying. Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t.

Fast forward in my work life and was told to not use such big words when talking with other employees and when phrasing emails I should write them in the form that a 4 year old could understand. One boss found it amazing that I could recite back WHOLE conversations that occurred in the past and that it just come natural for me. I try not too often because people get mad at me when their words are brought up. If people think they can lie to me and I will forget, they will be mistaken.
And to boot then had another boss that told me it was impossible to remember everything I claimed to know about my job without having it written down in detail, Really?? Just have to laugh.

You can never please the masses and you will only cause your own suffering for trying.

The old pleasing part of me still pops up and a rush to protect those I love that I see under attack to ‘save’ them from what I lived thru is still strong and comes out in waves.

All in all, It shows me things I need to work on and see what I really believe to be true. My rants to the world may seem like setbacks and see she is not what she claims to be. I do not claim to be perfect or ever to be perfect. But to me they are invaluable tools. I have learned that what it appears that I get angry with will lead me to the truth and really has nothing to do with the current situation.

Life is a mirror and things will keep coming up until I learn all the parts of the lesson. Like be myself whatever that is at the time for it has and will change as I grow as I get closer to my truth. It is a journey that is this life; this is why I am here.

People learn their lessons at different rates and all have lessons that do not apply to others. There is everything in the world, we only see what we need to use in our class sessions.

I still need to work on finding the source of my anger before jumping to someone’s rescue.

After all,

I don’t have to save the world, it is not in danger.

Thanks for listening and helping clarify.


Friday, June 1, 2012

'Why I ordered the Eggs'

Dictated by Papaw Fluffy Kitty written by Meow.

Over a year ago my wife and I were with our good friend. I was contemplating the question of why we believe or do anything in this existence.

We were discussing going to our grandson’s first birthday party.  There were disagreements about what was proper for someone to do or not do.  In this case I was asking why we needed to go to the birthday party and my wife and good friend were confused and a bit upset that I would even ask that kind of question.
So in trying to help them understand that I was not asking the question to figure out whether we should go or not, my interest was in why do we feel the need to go? That’s when our good friend said he could see us all sitting down to breakfast and me questioning why we ordered the eggs.

That made me think, in our society restaurants serve eggs usually 24 hours a day, but they label it as a breakfast item.  I can remember feeling kind of strange ordering what was considered breakfast for dinner. So I stopped and asked myself, why do I order eggs?  Some people order eggs strictly for breakfast because it is labeled as a breakfast food. Some people don’t care and order the breakfast food because they like them. I am sure that some people order the eggs for dinner just because it is labeled a breakfast food and want to be different.  I see that there are many reasons why people order the eggs.

 So going back to the question we were discussing using the eggs as a metaphor I could help them see that I am not trying to not go to the birthday party. I only want to know the real reason behind going.
Was it because of societal pressure? If we didn’t show up would the other grandparents or grandkids think less of us? Or, if we showed up would we somehow be showing up everyone else by the amount of effort we had to put forward like coming off of the road just for the birthday party. Was it simply to be there to help celebrate the milestone of the child? Who were we going for? The child was only 1; would he remember or even know that we were not there? Are we going for our daughter? I wanted to look honestly at every reason we had for going or not going to the birthday party. Making the decision to go or not for our own reasons and not for what society thought was proper.

And because of this discussion I can now use the metaphor for questioning why I ordered the eggs with every belief and behavior that I have in my life.

We went to the party for the love of our daughter and our grandson with a clearer understanding of who we are.

Why did you order the eggs?

Sunday, April 22, 2012


I think if you asked Mother Earth what SHE really wanted to honor her this day she would say for us to stop,  look at what we are doing, not just towards her but towards each other. She would want us to give love to each other to give respect to each other along with the plants, animals and the Earth itself.

Ask any Mother how it feels when her children are fighting. Ask any mother who has experienced one of her children killing a sibling or on trial for murder for anyone or on trial for anything or one who is hurting his/her self. Ask a mother whose child was killed in war or violence on the street, a mother of an child, abused and left unloved.  It is heart breaking.

The Earth is “Mother” to all of us, to all the people, trees, plants, animals and insects.

We need to stop and take a hard look what we are doing to each other. We are breaking our Mothers heart to the core. And she is showing signs of distress.

You can start right now. Look at the people around you, look at them as the loving souls they truly are and treat them with love and respect. Treat children with love and respect and teach them that they deserve love and respect especially from themselves.

Plant the seeds of Love and Respect everywhere you go every day to everyone and everything you come into contact with.

Start NOW

Spread the Love and watch Mother Earth Smile!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Individual Issues Reveal Global Problems in Bite Size Pieces.

The marijuana issue brings up why things must change. Why we cannot sustain things the way they are. It is a small part of a much broader global problem. Everyone fighting to keep what they have or their believed potential of what they have. There is no longer any wiggle room each group seeing something being taken away from them should anyone else get what they want. The greed, the need to keep others down in order to get what they need. The belief that there is not enough to go around. The belief if someone else gets what they want there will be less for me to have.  In this one article (link here: we can see why the economy is falling apart, why religion is falling apart. In every situation it is a lack of faith, the lack of love for each other; it is the dominance of fear. Let go of the fear.

Anything you feel the need to cling to is from fear. Whether it is the fear of the police to lose their funding, the fear of big pharma losing the profits of their drugs, the fear of the prisons and guards losing their living and even people who fear their religion is being taken away from them. Everything is just small images of the whole. The paradigm must shift for us all. Resistance to what ‘IS’, is pain.

Fear is the opposite of Faith.
Fear is the opposite of Love.

So really it all comes down to belief, faith. If you feel anger, frustration that is all coming from fear and fear is the opposite of faith. We must let go of the things we fear the things we cling to. Because really if you are clinging to something because you are afraid of losing it what are you really saying? That it is not really yours to begin with?

Take religion for instance. If you feel you are being attacked for your religious views and you feel anger and the need to cling to God so tightly are you really being faithful to God? Think about it, did God not tell you that you will always have what you need? That you will be taken care of? If so, why the need to cling? Let go of the fear, the need to cling, for if it is what you really need it will not leave you. It is a matter of faith, faith that God will protect you, faith that God will provide and never leave you. Didn’t he promise? Then why are you so afraid? Why do you cling if you believe and have faith?

Clinging is an act of fear. Fear is a lack of faith.

It is our lack of faith that there is plenty to go around. That everyone is important. That if you don’t have everything you think you should you are less. Materialism has run its course; we know that deep down it cannot provide happiness. It is not the goal. All people are equal. It is not the thought of others that keeps us down it is the thoughts we hold of ourselves that is the problem.

It goes for money, religion and even the race issue.

It is not whether you are being held down but the belief you are. The belief you are superior is just as false as one who feels inferior. The ones who feel they are superior and need to keep the others in their “place” are afraid of losing and so are the ones who believe themselves inferior.

I remember reading a post that a black woman shared about her tears of joy when Obama won, she went on to express her support of him, not for any good he has done but just because he is black. Some Blacks today hold on to the past, the past they themselves did not live thru. They are so entrenched in the past that they do not see the present. All the choices they have to become and do whatever they dream of.
The war on women, why are women living in the past? Discrimination they themselves did not fully experience, they too are living in the past. If you feel you are being victimized it is your beliefs that guide it. And your Fear shows your lack of faith in yourself.

It is the same for every group, race, religion, company and country.

Living in Fear, Fighting to keep something, I see as saying ‘please take this from me for I do not deserve it’.

Change your thoughts, your beliefs of yourself and others, and you will change your life, your world.

In the end, you will always get exactly what you believe you deserve.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Working thru the Darkness.

I remember even as a child that the dark was scary, but once the sun came out everything was OK. That is why we need to wake up. The scary things we leave them in the dark and try to bury them there, but in reality we are burying ourselves. We must break the seal on the coffin and bring our fears into the light. Then we can see they are not evil and we can change what we do not like into something better.

Left in the dark our fears multiply until they take us over creating actions that we would not consciously do. We must expose our demons. We created them we can change them. Do not shove them back in the dark because you know you have other fears and feel overwhelmed. Keep exposing them all to the light and you will see that you do grow stronger.

Wake up that is the only way to defeat the nightmare.

Are you so drenched in the nightmare that you think it is who you are? If you don't protect it you will lose you?

You are NOT the nightmare.

You are the light. You are the light. You ARE the light.

I have friends I have watched who started to wake up I could read the fear in their eyes. I know that fear I went thru it. I still do. I have packed the dark storage room very tight but I must push on. I have watch friends cower in fear some keep moving forward trip back and pick up and start again. I have watched some cower and absolutely freak out only to stick their heads in the sand trying to go back to sleep. And they tell me to stop the crazy talk but they know I am right they can never truly go back to dead sleep and they are terrified. They think if they stop looking it will all go away. But it doesn't and they know it, but they pretend their OK, try their best to look normal. But I see thru it I see their pain. I feel their pain. I will not cower. I will bring my fears into the light until they are all out in the open.

I have heard some say that I belly flop back and forth and that I appear wishy washy. People are confused by that and think oh she really doesn't have it all together see she is freaking out about something again she is not the calm loving person she tried to make us believe.

But they do not understand how much we hide in the Shadow how much we need to bring back out into the light. If you watch me carefully you will see how it works. I bring out a fear. I bring it into the light so I can examine it, see what is really there. See what must be changed. What must be accepted. Look for lessons to be learned from it.

I take a fear and create an accomplishment.

I grow stronger. I grow brighter. I become better equipped to deal with the next fear I drag from the box. Some are harder then others. But each thing I bring up makes me stronger. So pity me not when you see me seeming to wonder off the deep end. I am growing. I am learning. I am learning love for myself and all those who are here in this experience with me. I am learning who I am and why I am here. And aren't those the questions everyone has?

You hear someone say 'oh, so and so is off to find themselves'. But are they looking outside themselves for the answer? It can only be found inside themselves. It truly is a vision quest and I must delve into the darkness to retrieve me so that I can live in the light.

Sometimes I pull out a fear and find other fears attached to it, like a long strand of beads. Upon examination I realize they have little to do with each other but they are attached to similar experiences. This can explain the confusion that surrounded the fears making it harder to process together as one, but laid out where each one is exposed, in the light, they can be seen and release the binds that hold them together.

I have learned that hoarding those fears make us physically ill. I have watched my health rise as fears are neutralized. I grow not only spiritually stronger but physically stronger as well. And I see our choices of death we pick are in harmony with how we lived. How we pick by how we believe. Life and death are complementary indeed.