Saturday, August 4, 2012

Looking Behind the Anger


Dear Soul,

I have been very angry the past few days. I have been sitting here trying to figure out just what the underlying problem is.

Start with the current scandal that has my attention.

 I was not angry at Mr. Cathy for going public and calling out the Gay community. Yes I believe he did, he said the world was twisted then brought up marriage knowing what a can a worms that would be after all it is a hot topic right now. He was playing it and He has earned handsomely from it.

I was not angry at the Gay community for responding. The response was expected.

I became angry when the army of Christians verbally started abusing the Gay community.

This tells me I still have issues to deal with from being brought up in churches that scared me terribly and the nightmares it brought and mixed in with that is what I learned in school.  Being young I could see the wrong but could not make sense of why it was wrong.

I was taught that all sins are equal and any one of them can land you in Hell. I see that may be a belief I have that causes me to jump into conversations (thinking they need an ally) where I see people doing things I was told were sins, condemning other people for their supposed sin.  As if their sin was not as bad as the other person.

I was taught that God was ‘Perfect’. Yet he often displayed characteristics that I would get a spanking for, showing me his imperfections.

I was taught that unconditional love had conditions. Yes that is one to keep me spinning.

Everything he did was perfect. Yet he failed at making us and so for our imperfection he blames us instead of his faultiness, this was a real big one that just never set well.

I have been led to believe we are inferior and our thoughts are sinful, our bodies are frail.

I often viewed God and Satan sitting down by a fire, best friends playing chess and we were the game pieces. I would view God throwing a sore loser tantrum every time Satan would take one of his pieces and God then grabbing it and throwing it into the fire, punishing the game piece for his imperfections.

I remember being nine or ten and repeatedly standing on the edge of cliffs trying to determine my chances of accidentally surviving the jump. Life was horrid hell and I wanted out. From church I believed God to be horrid and life in a fire that Satan kept watch on was as well. I soon talked myself out of suicide because I saw there was no relief to be found in death.  Damned if you do and Damned if you don’t. If I went to hell I would burn forever. If I went to heaven because I was still a child I would have to go along with horrible things and if I was found out not to believe in such evils I would be sent to hell. Ah the Baptist life. I decided that although life was awful I could find places to hide and get some rest. The alternatives were not so kind. So I chose Life.

Thankfully science has stepped up and proved beyond a shadow of a doubt to me that our bodies are indeed most fascinating and powerful. Our thoughts create our world. That God is everything and there is no devil. Just our own judgments and punishments we inflict on ourselves.

I have learned that I am inferior to no one and no one is inferior to me. We are equal. The Life paths of one are none of the business of any other, other than to have a mirror for their own lessons.

The waking up process is challenging. If forces oneself to look and question their beliefs and where they came from. And Yes I see Hate is learned. I have looked back at prejudices I held in the past and looked to see if that was something I believed to really be true and where did I get such Ideas. I see I picked them up from parents, siblings, friends, teachers, church basically anyone I looked to trying to understand life and my place in it.

I have spent most of my life trying to please others regardless of what I really thought and each time they would turn on me. So lesson here is to be true to me. Not to the status quo.

Example:

As a young child my older siblings loved to teach me to read and spell. I could read the newspaper at the age of 4. No real big feat this was the games I was taught to play, games that I would find out are not accepted everywhere. My sister would play records over and over again at bedtime teaching me the lyrics to songs then when dad would come home from work we would go into the kitchen and I would sing the song word perfect, teaching me memory skills.  They had great fun teaching me BIG words, like encyclopedia and others. It just tickled them pink to hear me say and spell them back. It was fun I had lots of attention but then they were much older than me and soon as they became teenagers my cuteness was not as interesting as this new age they were coming in. and that is a right thing.

And then I was left on my own.

Jump to grade school did very well lots of S’s on my report card, then I have to switch schools, my new teacher did not like my big words and I was punished for things I knew or was interested in. (my interests were sinful) and wouldn’t you know going from 3rd to 4th grade she was once more my teacher.  I conformed and Grades started to decline.

Jump to high school new town. I did well in classes I was interested in and If I wasn’t well whatever to get thru. Going through different schools with different ways and I quickly learned that they really contradict each other so therefore couldn’t be that important to my life. And well yes I hardly have a need for quite a bit I learned in school. I then came face to face with the consular that made it clear that I could never be anything I was interested in because I was not very bright and I would never be able to learn and understand all those BIG words. Now I am sure that may have made some people get all indignant and set off in life to prove them wrong. But for me I saw no point in trying. Damned if you do, Damned if you don’t.

Fast forward in my work life and was told to not use such big words when talking with other employees and when phrasing emails I should write them in the form that a 4 year old could understand. One boss found it amazing that I could recite back WHOLE conversations that occurred in the past and that it just come natural for me. I try not too often because people get mad at me when their words are brought up. If people think they can lie to me and I will forget, they will be mistaken.
And to boot then had another boss that told me it was impossible to remember everything I claimed to know about my job without having it written down in detail, Really?? Just have to laugh.

You can never please the masses and you will only cause your own suffering for trying.

The old pleasing part of me still pops up and a rush to protect those I love that I see under attack to ‘save’ them from what I lived thru is still strong and comes out in waves.

All in all, It shows me things I need to work on and see what I really believe to be true. My rants to the world may seem like setbacks and see she is not what she claims to be. I do not claim to be perfect or ever to be perfect. But to me they are invaluable tools. I have learned that what it appears that I get angry with will lead me to the truth and really has nothing to do with the current situation.

Life is a mirror and things will keep coming up until I learn all the parts of the lesson. Like be myself whatever that is at the time for it has and will change as I grow as I get closer to my truth. It is a journey that is this life; this is why I am here.

People learn their lessons at different rates and all have lessons that do not apply to others. There is everything in the world, we only see what we need to use in our class sessions.

I still need to work on finding the source of my anger before jumping to someone’s rescue.

After all,

I don’t have to save the world, it is not in danger.

Thanks for listening and helping clarify.

Meow

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